Home universe female Versus me

At some point there must have been a merge. From girl me, to girlfriend me, to wife me , to mom me, to being the woman that holds the family. I know I do, for should I become too preoccupied with any work- it all seems to start crumbling, the husband becomes nervous as hell, the child unhappy , the house a mess, there is no food, there are no clothes to wear, even the plants all start dying, - the chi stops flowing, the way I seem to make it flow, when I am planted, home, as the base, the permenant, mother, wife, home universe female.

I have become the home universe female, and have forgotten what it was like to be the me before that. The artist, the traveller, the lover, the seductress, the impulsive go happy thing that does as it pleases and has it all turn out well of course, for that girl was more or less always positive.

And than, what happens when this mother universe female,- gets attention. Not for being the home maker, wife, dinner organiser to friends , gets attention for being-  her self - without the rest. ?

What happens than. Well the girl starts lucid dreaming, lifting out of her body and seeing things outside . Perceiving her self. Oh I have not felt sexy for ages, and yet this attention, this attention for my self, suddenly has given me a complete image make over, the clothes are the same, the girl is the same, the hair colour is the same, but why this person writing this text is a trillion times sexier than the same person a month ago,  why at once every where I got heads turn... The difference is simply in aware ness of ones own existence.

My son has been breast feeding for 2.8 years. I have not slept a whole night for about a thousand nights. And it has not bothered me, his waking me up , every night, up to 15 times. It has not bothered me, even though  each day he makes me get on to my feet at 6 am- because I did not feel like I exist as a person- separate to the universal home maker female, which I have become, which must be soft and easey to mould to the needs of the home, of the family, and those needs satisfied make a universal family female think that  her own needs are fulfilled.

This week I actually have the power to disengage my son ,and set him to sleep in his bed, be tough enough as to owe ride his protest and crying. I realise I do not want him to breast feed any longer. Only now that I feel me.

And best of all I am painting. Oh yes. I as a separate entity, aware of it self, I am fearless, and full of inspiration and need to paint, not choked up by needs of filling the  dishwasher.

However, this is all very new territory, quite exhilarating.

 I belive that  The trick is to balance both the I- and the fabulous home maker universal female.
Now here forth, I do embark!