Kidnapping the cousins.

Yesterday new cousins turned up. From Chicago. We are related trough the brother of my grandfathers father who left for America from Kaštela about a century ago. One of the arrived cousins is doing the American fashionable thing, putting together his family roots, drawing a tree . His mother's side is native American/Irish/French, and his fathers side is simply Perišin. The begging of all Perišins coming from Kaštel Kambelovac and Kambelovac being point zero, the matrix, factory of PeriŠin production made it easy for him to start his investigation in the old country in person.

There we where, mother and I, at the air port waiting for these cousins to pop out of history, mother excitedly simmering on the banister of arrivals trying to piece together various mouths, eyes, noses, ears, cut outs from memories and black and white photographs to construct a collage of the veritable cousin. It started before even entering the air port, at the taxi stand, " Perišin" She pointed excitedly at some people who replied with a expulsion of cigarette smoke forming a "No". "They looked nice" Mother resigned" They could have been our cousins". " They where french" I ended the conversation.

Whilst mother ready to tear up bobbed up and down trying to figure out the Chicagoans I introduced my self to cousins who too where waiting for the same Chicago package. These in fact live locally, right next to our cherry orchard but i did not know them. They knew me though. I somehow scraped out a picture of a curly haired skinny girl who played on my grandparents balcony during the summers i spent here from England. Their daughter. "Ah how is she" I excitedly enquire happy to have some recollection of who they are in exchange for their knowing all the latest updates on myself." She has a two year old, and 200 kilos" Replies her mother cruelly, and than embarks on a romantic tale of a favourite child of hers who i don't remember existing.

Meanwhile squealing from mother announces the Chicago cousins. The man looks Irish. The lady well an American lady. Mother is kissing teary eyed and stroking her hair. I dish out my bouquet to the lady lumbering her with something additional to carry and we all set of towards the car park.

The Irish looking cousin is smoking profusely as if it where his oxygen in a new atmosphere. The wife and husband who live next to the orchard load all the baggage into their car, than started to reel of an itinerary of activities which would keep the arrivals busy and in their own company for the whole week, but before they could say other wise, mother swiftly claimed the lady cihchago and took her to our automobile.

"You came back so soon "mother says "after only two months"." Ah it was my bother and another sister who came. "They where hoping to meet all of the relatives". Than she went silent." Not wishing to elaborate at something clearly displeasing.

Yes a touchy theme was this previous visit of her brother. After almost half a century he visited kaštela whiteout saying hello to any one apart from the cousins by the orchard. In fact they had spent the whole trip with the orchard cousins, whiteout them having told anyone else in the family that these famous Chicagoans are here. No one else got to meet them and where offended .

It was lynching the orchard cousins about their selfish keeping of the Chicagoans's that mother found out about this second coming, and spread the news. We where at the airport not out of previous agreement but more acting as hijackers on the arrival of the Chicagoans that the orchards where yet again planing to steal from the rest of us. This I was not aware of until we appeared at the air port.

However there reminded a mystery of as to why did the orchard cousins, who mother informed, are descendants of that horrible old woman neighbour who grandad could not stand, why did they keep the arrival of the Chicagoans so secret, and not introduce them to the rest who so keenly wanted to meet them, especialy as they where not any closer related to them than the resto fo us.

You had such beautiful hair when you where a child. mother says. Do you remember anything from your trip here? That i was very sick.replies the newcommer scraping her memories. And your father who picked us from the air Port and took us on a boat ride. The Chicagoans had obviously been here half a century ago i summarise, stayed with my grandparents a whole family of 7 children and parents. It was that visit which had left such lasting impressions on a whole generation of relatives in Kaštela, sweetened by childhood and time,which explained their keenes to meet them once again.

Mother took the scenic and longer route towards the hotel where the Chicagoans resided. We had time to get to know the cousin a little better hear about her life in the states, her children and her work. She had studied in a ivy league university, where her daughter studies, where the orchard's cousins youngest daughter is planing to go. Did we not know that? How strange how little we know about one another here where we live so close, she must have tought.

We dropped her of towards the hotel and the orchards cousins re represented their itinerary for the internationals, having cut out the plans my mother had for inviting the guests to dinner the next day. This was in smiles re arranged before the orchards gruffly drove off and we made our good byes.

Well that solved the mystery. Mother explained. They are trying to get their daughter into the American university trough them some how. And so they don't want their wonder full generous impression to be diluted by others. Of course we would not have known that. I did not even know the orchard people until now. The transcontinental relatives may idealise this old family which seems to have stuck together so long, still living in the same town, generations on, when in fact most do not communicate unless necessary. Or when faced with outside influences such as this one when they are forced to organise things together and than for a short time which even gives them a warm feeling on the inside and makes them look like family. Yet it was the land on which thier houses and olives lie which has generaly been the reason for disputes that had split up the families and left them in unsolvable quarrels yet paradoxicaly bound them to live for ever more close to one another. Perhaps it is exactley the lack of inherited land which set free the new world cousings form forming gdruges over inheritance. Or perhaps we idealise them, becosue we dont know them as likley they had idealised us.

To celebrate the exited encouted mother immediately called up our favourite Perisin. He arrived with his nephew, the youngest in the family. And what do they look like? He asked. Mother immediately said how the youngest nephew and the irish looking cousing have exactly the same mouth. And when do i get to see them he asked? Ah you are not in the itinerary mother answered. Starting to reel of the list the orchards had prepared. Right. He was offended agian. We explained the reason why they may have hogged the Chicago cousins for them selfs. It makes sense. He replies. Orchard is the kind of man who did not give a job to his unemployed cousin whilst he was the manager of the shipyard which employed 40000 people. Oh, why did they have to get in contact with him first? Because both of you do not use the internet i replied ,and could not be contacted. Well he threw back candidley, we shall just have to kidnap the chichago cousins, from them.

operation wedding

Getting incrieasinlgey excited about wedding. To admitt to the truth i am not one of those frantic brides with a book full of brainstorms squeasing the juices of paitence from my groom. My vision has always been all those firends i love finaly trans internationaly in one place. Music. The man loved above all. Close family. Dancing. and losts of laughter. In the last few days i am recieving boubles of excitement back from friends, who are intending to come and i am now finaly excited. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I can say i am happy even, and its not all wedding drag about menus and things. Just gigleing at the posibilites and the chemichal reactions of the various personalites in the same room interceeding with one another. Can not wait. I will need volonteers to dance a sun dance with me for the weather to be that balmy sunny windlles febuary day on sea rather than storm.But will take that chance and belive that the energies invited are stroing enought to bring the right weather aobut. AAAAAAA. Cant wait. My little mini united nations. There is a a dove half a meter from me at the window, so i suppose that is a good sign. Turing the music up baby. Yea.

how to get wildlife at your city center home?

Its winter, leave the food you belive will attract the animals you want to see on your window sill or in front of the house. In london that maay be foxes. Here in zagreb i managed to see a mink. But better still for the last few days a variety of yellow birds are partying on the cake crumbs i leave in a saucer on the window sill. Each day there are new birds. And they like to strech their little necks into the glass and look in to say hellow, joy.

Vjetar zvan Ladislav

Jučer na respektabinoj Hrvatskoj televiziji sve vijesti dana predstavljale su nemar vjetra zvanog zločesti Ladislav.

Koji je to vjetar zvan ladislav i od kuda je došao ? I zašto baš Ladislav se zove? Kako je znao predstaviti svoje kršćansko ime? Ladi slav. Jeli zato što je možda bio ladan? Ne dragi moji supatnici, vjetar zvan Ladislav nije ništa manje ni više nego brat vjetra zvanog Sandy u Americi. Kako je došao još nismo sigurni ali naravno tko drugi to može biti?

U Americi gdje se kuće grade od drva na položaijma gje se očekiva jak vjetar i gjde taj vjetar razonisi kuće kao da su od šibica , svi vjetrovi imaju svoje osobno indeficirajuće strašno ime. Ime koje personalizizira pojavu kao vrlo opasnu i veoma zločestu i koja njih osobno namjerava uništiti. Politička namjera vjetra nije mnogo različita od namjere Bin ladena, Sadama i ostalih nemesisa Amerike koji je cijeli svjet molim, očekivan mrziti. Zločesti vjetar Sandy, također osobno namjerava Ameriku uništiti.

U americi svaki neprijateljski vjetar je individualno kršćen, da ga je lakše identificirati , uočiti, izdovjiti , i pucati u njegovo zračno tjelo s granadama van obale, jer je ljudima koji žive uz obalu napunio podrume i okusili su oni predviđeni dugo očekivani smak svjeta koji su opisale maje, i nostradamus, i babe vračare.

Nestala je struja i svi su sletili prema pdrumima tražeći njihove skrivene mitraljeze i konzerve koje godinama spremaju praznovjerno znajući da če takav dan kad tada doči. Tresu se grleći pet-mačke sa revolverima u ruci isčekivajući da ih netko u mraku napadne prateći miris konzerviranog mesa od večere , a taj očekivani netko vjerojatno je zaražen bolesti zombija te morat će ga upucati bez razmišljanja, i tako nervozno pucaju u sve što šušti cijlu noć. A zar nije neobično što je vjetar Sandy baš napao uoči noći vještica pitaju jedno drugog tiho i prestrašeno u mraku. Možda se iz groblja vrgolje mrtvaci? Vjetrom lete duhovi starih indijanaca i vračaju im konačno? Tako naježeni čuče Amerikanci proteklih dana i čekaju da se razvije hohor sci- fi reality , no to je kod njih dio kulture.

Ali šta je reč da se jedan takav zloduh vjetar uvukao u Hrvatsku obalu? Pa svaki ribar zna kad je nevera da se treba povuč s mora, sist u kafič, nalit travarice i čekat da vitar prođe. Svaka baba zna da če jugo jer bole je zglobovi. Vjetrovi su stolječima imenovani po smjeru iz kojega pušu, imena su im limitirana kao i uzroci. Ma od kuda je odjednom iscurio Zločesti Ladsilav? Koja mu je potreba. Koji mu je cilj? Dali nas Ladislav želi uništiti sve? Nemoguče je da nešto zvano Ladislav što čupa stabla to neradi namjerno. Znanstvenici koji su ga imenovali mora da su ga prepoznali kao državnog neprijatelja očito povezanim sa Sandyem.

Dalmatinske su kuće građene sa vjetrom na umu, od kamena ili bar betona te ih vragolasti Ladislav nije tako lako uspijo razjapuriti i ispucati uokolo. No ipak, samo po njegovom imenu da se naslutiti da Ladislav nije obična prirodna pojava. Uskoro če ga pratiti vojska zločestih vjetrova, Zrinskih, Petrova i Zdeslava, koji će probudit stare grčke i ilirske bogove mora, neba i zemlje, a tek tada če nastupiti pravi dar mar.

Ladislav nagovješta početak kraja. Treba se pripremiti dragi prijatelji kao naši uzorni drugovi prosvjtljenog zapada amerikanci. Počmite danas. Skupljajte vriče brašna, konzervirano meso i skuše sa povrčem, kontejnere pikte vode, i oružje. Ne vjerujte više nikome tko zove vitar, vitar. I debljajte vaše kućne ljubimce jer jednoga dana morat če te ga pojesti da bi preživjeli!

PASJA VEGETA

Moj pas nevoli pasju hranu. Na drugu ruku obožava sve poškropano vegetom. Treba napraviti VEGETU ZA PASE.

A kada se već izumi pa najvjerojatnije je da bi pasja vegeta djelovala oblažujuće na generalnu čangrizavost. Ubacit malo vegete za pasa u juhu grintavoga dide imalo bi siguran efekt kao par čikara rakije i zaspa bi ko čuko na kauču popodne bez da zajebaje babu da promine program i skine mu meksičku seriju.

A navečer kad je već satra babu sa svim verzijama vjiesti u pet, pa šest, i usedem sati,sa hrt, i rtl i nove,i hrt i rtl 2 i bidna baba više nema pojma kako da otme daljinski iz panđa koje godinama već vježbaju minjat progrmame i držat cigaretu istom rukom, spasilo bi ju da postoji malo te pasje vegete da mu ubaci u blitvu od večere , da može na miru pogledat sulejmana i ostale turske serije koje su joj preostale kao jedini izvor strasti osim ogovaranja.

Da pasja vegeta postoji sigurno bi sadržavala veće količine toksičnih ultimatora ukusa nego ljudska, prosuta u tjesto palačinke imala bi više šanse da smiri i onu divlju dicu u susistvu koja sada kada se lito bliži kraju i nema više skakavaca kojima se s guštom čupaju noge pod uličnim svjetlima usmjeruju svu svoju energiju u izmišljanju bučnih divljaštvina kakve bi im zauzele dovoljno večeri samo da nemoraju pisati domaće radove.

A tek da je šjor Dujiću malo te pasje vegete pa da umoči one bosanske cigarete koje i tako nikada nisu ni vidile duha od duhana u pasju vegetu, te da ih prodaje onim kavanskim dangubama , koji se ponaašaju kada je haloween svako jutro i cjelodnevno tokom južine, lamataju rukama, pogledom bez cilja, sa zastrašujućim dahom od zombija, pa pretvorija bih ih u uljudne prostojne ljude, možda bi čak počeli i prati zube.

A da podravka napravi pasju vegetu moj pas bi bio više nego sretan. Pas koji inače čak i rižu sa vegetom prije pojede nego pasju hranu dubio bi od sereće na glavi. Mogao bi možda i podnjeti pepeo koji je umješan u kuhana crijeva i organe pedigre konzerve. Ma vjerojatno mu nebi trebala ni kosti počeo bi grist grane sa vegetom, i stare cijevi, kartone, ma da ima pasje vegete moj pas bi rado posta Mačka pa čak i vegetrijanac.

priče za djecu, pustolovina na cetini

Jednom ne toliko davno u sred ljeta baka i dida odlučili su djecu odvesti vidjeti rijeku Cetinu.

Kako su se djeca navikla kupati u moru suprostavljali su se ikakvom udaljavanju od njihve najdraže plaže.

Ivo je odmah odgovorio- Ali sigurno nema tamo rakova za loviti. U krivu si odgovori Dide- ima tamo mnogo rakova i to riječnih kakve niste još vidjeli. Ali jako je vruće odgovori mala Antonia kako čemo bez kupanja cijeli dan? Kupati ćete se u rijeci, odgovori baka. I tako Ivo, Antonija, i Jure prihvate putovanje, i sjednu u Didov veliki stari auto koji je uvjek mirisao po travama, zemlji i avanturama.

Ivo je odmah pronašao frulu koju je dide napravio od grane i počeo svirati dok su druga djeca i baka poklapljai uši rukama.

Evo nas djeco stigli smo u grad Omiš najavio je Dide. Ovaj grad nekoć bio je grad opasnih gusara, imao je i kralja gusara. A princezu gusara takošer jei tako dide?Cvrkutala je Antonia. Da imali su i gusarsku princezu i kraljicu . A jesu li živjeli na onom dvorcu na brdu? Prstom je pokazivao Jure poviše krovova grada. Da odgovori baka . Idemo li istraživati? Pitao je Ivo. Drugi put, odgovorio je odlučno djeda, sada idemo bordom po rijeci Cetini i kroz onaj veliki kanjon koji vidite .

Baka dida i djeca ukrcali su se u narančasti drveni brod pun ljudi i brod se odgurnuo od obalu grada Omiša i krenuo uzvodno uz rijeku. Brod je prošao kroz dvije goleme stijene koje su izlegale kao drevna vrata nekog čarobnng mjesta, zatim još dvije visoke stijene koje su bacale sjenu na rijeku. Nije to bila baš neka dosadna rijeka kava su djeca očekivala , Cetina izlegala je kao da skriva svakakve tajne. Rijeka je bila puna života .Putjući vidjeli su planine , patke, druge brodove, ribe pa čak i labudove i jako mnogo šaša u kojem su se skrivale životinje kakave su stvarlae svakakve svukove.

Brod se zaustavio pored staroga mlina. Ovdje čemo ručati kazao je dida. Neee vrištala su djeca. Pa tek smo stigli! Pa dobro odgovori dida malo ćemo prošetati prvo, i povede provrku veslee djece u šetnjicu uz obalu rijeke.

Uz rijeku rasla je prava džungla. Djeca us se morala provlćiti kroz grane kao pravi istraživaći . Bilo je biljaka sa velikim listovima, i dugim korjenima koje su putale po tlu. Goleme paučine raszezale su se preko divljeg puteljka. uokolo su rasle smokve, murve, kupine i jabuke koje je dida brao za djecu.

Uskoro su stigli na čistinu uz rijeku. Pa ovo je prava plaža. Ukliknula je Antonia uzbuđeno .Je. Dodao je ivo. Stanimo ovdje veselo he kliktao Jure. Pa mislio sam da če vam se svidjeti tu zaključio je Dide. A sada ručak. Baka je izvadila iz košare manistru na pome u metalne pijate, breskve, jogurt, a kada djeca više nisu mogli pojesti ni zalogaj dodala im je kostime za kupanje.

Djeca su se počeli bučkati u osvežavajućoj vodi rijeke, a kada su nakon ručka baba i dida zaspali na plaži odlučili su istražiti nesmetano dalje. Prošuljali su se kroz grmlje iza plažice i krenuli šetati uz rijeku. Cijelim putem male plave životinjice s krilima su ih obljetale.

to se zove Vilenkonjic. objasnio je Jure. A misliš li ti da ima ovdje vila, pitala je Anotonia. Naravno da nema odvratio je Ivo ozbiljno, one ne postoje. Ali nije to niti izgovorio kada sletiše na njegov nos jedan zeleni vilenkonj.

A što ti misliš zašto se zovemo mi vilen konjic pita ineskt Ivu ljutito.? Od iznenađenja Ivo je posrnuo nogom i pao na zemlju. Ne razbivaj ovo je carstvo naše kraljice vile i nemaš pravo na micanje grana niti listova.Zapovjedi zeleni vilenkonjic. Pa onda nam ti pokaži put. Predložila je Antonija. Put gdje? Ogovori vilenkonjic. U vilino carstvo. Već ste tu kaže vilenkonjic. Samo otovrite oći. Drugi plavi vilenkonjic tada sleti na Antonijin prst. Malo je pogleda, odleti pojede muhu, pa sleti iznova. Ja ću vam bit vodić, kraljica vila silno vas želi upoznati, pratite mene.

Plavi vilenkonjic odletio je naprijed, pa ljevo, pa desno, pa nazad, pa doveo djecu gdje su i počeli pored male plaže, samo što dida i baka više nisu bili tamo. Gdje su baka i dieda ?pita jure. Ah. Pa naravno nevidljivi, odogovori vilenkonjic. Obično ljudi ne vide vile, ve iste ušli u vilinjsko carstvo gdje ih možete vidjeti ali zato nemožete vidjeti ljude niti oni vas. Ali mi smo ljudi odgovori Ivo. Ne kaže vilenkonic. Vi ste djeca a djeca znamo svi mogu vidjeti svašta i putovati kroz sve svjetove. A sada idete se predtaviti kraljicic vili. Vilenkonjic ih je vratio do stabla koje su prošli sa didom, stabo obraslo gljivama. Sletio je na jednu gljivu i puhnuo kroz praznu kućicu od puža koja je kao rog ozvonila šumom.

Ah pa stigli ste viknuo je ženski glas sa visine, a kada su pogledali djeca su vidjeli samo sjeme lipe kako se vrti prema tlu. Mala zelena djevojka, sićušne građe kao vilenkonjic i sa plavim svjetlucavim krilima odskočila je sa sjemenke i skočila na navišu od gljiva. Bu. Kaže ona. Ja sam kraljica vila a vi ste djeca lopovi. Nismo mi lopovi. Odgovori Antonia. A vila joj vrati ako niste vi, tko je jeo voće iz mog carstva bez pitanja ili zahvale. Ako se dobro sječam pojeli ste 10 murva, tri jabuke , dvije smokve i 12 kupina. Zar vi ne shvačate koliko truda mi vile ulažemo da bi nam narasla šuma? Šuma je divlja, svi imaju pravo jesti iz nje, odgovori Ivo, ajmo se kupati. U taj tren vila za žviždi a roj komaraca se stvori nidokud i počme gristi djecu, a oko djece roj osa počme zujati prijetejuće. Ne. Vi ne idete nikamo dok ne odradite kaznu i uložite u prirodu. Vaša kazna je vrtlarenje. Imate posaditi 10 gljiva, deset kupina, deset jabuka, 10 murvi , i 10 smokva, a nakon toga možete se zabavljati. Dobro odgovore djeca ali jeli možete maknuti ove komarce i ose od nas? Pa nemgu oni će stražariti da vi odradite posao a vilenkonjic će vas voditi a sad počmite s gljivama. !

Pa to je zogodno odgovori vilenkonjic jer to bar možemo početi ovdje. Ova vrsta gljive salje svoje spore putem vode, njen klobuk se rastapa kada padne kiša i tom kišom putuju spore koje se posade i naraste nova gljiva. Trebate samo donjeti vode i preliti gljivu. Djeca odmah poskoće do rijeke i sakupe u šakame vode i poćmu prelivati gljive. Ne sve. Naredi vilenkonjic, naša kraljica nemože stajati na mokroj gljivi. Ići čemo dalje umnožiti puharu.

Puhara je velika okrugla spužvasta gljiva koju samo treba dobro gnjećiti ili tresti da joj spore poćmu putovati. Na livadi dalje od rijeke vilenkonic je pkazao gljivu puharu, i tako ih vodio od gldjive od gljive dok nisu posadili 10 vrsta. Sljedeće su posadili sadili kupine,jabuke, smokve, birajući sjemenke iz suhih voćka koje su stavlajli u tlo, pa malo zaljevali.

Kada su završili s vrtlarenjem stvorila se proed njih kraljica vila. Eto djeco sada više niste lopovi. Kada uđete u šumu trebate uvijek prvo pozdraviti sva šumska bića. Kada jedtete šumsko voće morate se zahvaliti šumi, i trebali bi st uvijek posaditi nšto tako da šuma raste dalje i uvijek bude voća za svih. A sada možete pratiti mene voditi ću vas da upoznate neka od bića koja tu žive.

Kraljica vila odljeteljela je izvona do malene plažice i sletljela na granu poviše vode. Pa znam da sigrno volite žabe kaže vila, pogledajte preko vode na onu sivu stijenu tamo živi kralj žabac. I zasita kada su djeca pogledala na stijeu vidjeli su najveću žabu u cijelom životu, kralj žabac bio je veći nego kos koji je sletio na stijenu do njega.

Sada pogledajte u rijeku predloži kraljica vila. Tamo se nalazi zmija na kockice. Te zmije vrlo su hrabre prelaze rijeku i u naj bržim djelovima. Kralj zmija je veliki zmaj ali njega baš je i teško sresti po danu. A nizvodno uz rijeku vidjećete obitelj pataka i male patkice. dok u onoj pećini u brdu žive mali šišmiši, koje često volim jahati .

Eto djeco zakljući vila bilo mi je drago ali sada moram ići. A gdje ideš? pita Antonija. Pa zapravo većeras spremamo bal, i moram nadgledati pauke kako pletu plesne dvorane između stabala i lišća da budu što ljepše. A vi se morate vratiti baki i djedi.

A gdje su oni pita ?Zabrinuto Jure. Oni su još uvjek tu. Vi se malo u rijeci okupate i kada ste spremni vidjeti baku i djedu samo dobro porprskajte vodom po plaži i vidjet če te ih. No prije nego otiđem želim znati što ste naučili o šumi? Pita villa još jedom djecu. Da moramo pozdraviti sva šumska bića, zahvaltit šumi na šumskom voću i posaditi sjemenke koje nađemo da šuma nastaviti rasti. odgovore antonia ivo i jure. Da . A sada do viđenja. Vila zažviždi a dva vilenkonjica se stvore pred njom, ona ih uhvati za rep zažviždi još jednom a vilenkonjici se prenu i nestanu sa kraljicom vilom u šumu.

Eto vidiš da ima vila. Antonia kaže Ivi. Vidim. A ima i zmajeva kaže jure. Ima a ima i vode skrikne ivo i započme prskati brata i sestru, koji mu skrikom odvrate prskajući se vodom , neprimječujući kako su poprsali plažu na kojoj su opet postali vidljivi baka i dide ljudi što ih je probudila iz popodnevnog sna hladna voda cetine.

Djeco djeco dosta vikali su baka i dide. Pa zar ste u vodi svo ovo vrijeme? Pitala je baka i dobila samo tajnoviti osmjeh od djece. Vrijeme je ići kući kaže baka gledajući kasno poppdnevno sunce kako se sprema zaći. A kada su sjeli u brod djeca su vikala. Doviđenja cetina hvala na pustolovini.! i molili su baku i djedu da se što prije vrate.

The wedding list

Composing the wedding list is an affair by far more difficult than appears in the five minute allocation we decide to donate to the task theoretically.

Begging with the shortfalls of the memory which had wiped out entire existences of people who have not been around of recent, but where so dear in the past, one should definitely have them present on the big day, yet cant remember who they are.

The question than is how far in history ought one go? The first friend I had ever befriended at kinder garden, but do not actually socialise with, to ask or not to? Same predicament applies to companions at little school and high school, university, all the chapter titles of ones life according to change of address, work, and so on.

The problem of family is least of all a pleasant one promising plenty of nasty consequences should one wrong foot it. There are great large and extended numbers of them most obnoxiousley expectant of an invitation but not actually deserving of one, relying on the binding to the code of tradition, despite their shortcomings and various outbursts of outrageous nemicity in which they managed to shatter the loved relatives illusion they had up kept the whole time one was not acquainted with them thoroughly because of living abroad.

Jolly new friends are next up to scrutiny for as they are present right now in one's life, of recently met, proved to plenty of mirth, will they remain so for long one never knows, for with the various moves, history has proven that not all of the many friendships survive decades, and I suppose those golden nuggets who stick are the kind one wants to celebrate with.

Than there is the quandary of the workplace. How far ought one stretch the invitations. To only the dearest colleagues? The proper course to pursue in these territories is the obligatory invitation of the boss, to the wedding. How one can relax at one's wedding masticating a leg of lamb, whilst the wee man who has been buggering one for months watches from a corner greasing his face, instead of boulling a skull of lamb at his cranium and knocking him bullseye out once and for all to the celebratory splats of the roasted sheep's eyes popping out at contact, is still amongst the unresolved mysteries I have to face.

This leaves us not even nearly finished for the next set of invitees to consider are the friends of one's parents and siblings, all of the above applying to them too.

However long evading the predicament there are also exes to consider, who where essential to the personality formation and survival of youth and have metampohorised into dear friends but but come with a unfortunate and sizzling stigma of being the ex, potentially disturbing for the future spouse and may well insinuate nasty gossip in the ranks.

Having perspired to scribble a rough list one politely presents it to the future husband and requests to see the one he composed. His of course is tidy lacking crossings out, and is based upon a neat chronological friendship system. The top of his hierarchy of friends sums up the people he befriended as a toddler and from which he has chosen his best man, down the hierarchy are the companions he befriended in his teens whilst the properly scrutinised before inviting in his social spectrum are the most recently met. The system is used by the entire male populace of the country and based on the logic that even if as a child one chose friends who now appear dull , one knows them so thoroughly well that one can predict every move they will make and thus can depend on him more than on any newcomer who can put up a surprise when least appreciated. This type of male bond frustrating to the female who collects new friendships throughout out the lifetime according to merit, fun, intelligence unfortunately for her promises fustratinlgey dull social encounters until death. The only unexpected part of the groom's wedding list are certain must come guests required by the in laws who guarantee an explosive and scandalous hell's fire encounters with must come guests on the bride's list.

How to glue these particulars to form a decent congregation or table plan whiteout putting anyone out of place, whilst including the language, and spatial restrictions which do present the unfortunate doors to the loos, vital to the party yet internationally understood as the pits, rendering anyone seated near them to being automatically offended and wishing they had not bothered, that is whiteout seating self next to the toilets at own wedding?

The lists combined produce a textured social colage, of ages, nationalites, ocupations, proving yet another minefield when trying to concieve a musical menu. What music can be suitable for the turbo folk Balkan wedding music lovers, dalmatian acapello listners, classical music fans, house music addicts, rock and charleston, lovers and well the bride and the groom of who everyone expects to dance a waltz, and who within the couple have completely different music preferences and two left legs? The same goes for the food. The local way of serving it commes loaded on to great platters of 7-9 courses which often cause duels at the table among the greedier types and will leave the timid eater simpering. Apart from this the menu is culturally set, any diversion from the soup, French salad, pršut, cheese,fatty lamb on the spit, cooked veal, marinated veal,black cuttle fish risotto, white risotto, and cakes will cause dissatisfaction and vindictive commentary from the vexed local crowd, while as yet the set menu may freak out some of internationals.

Right. This is the point one starts rewriting the wedding list once again trying to decrease the numbers, alas instead finding other forgotten human treasures and adding them to the list with intention of diluting any bad feng shui. After several attempts one retraces steps back to the wedding location for a coffee to help visualise the seating potentials, yet suddenly faces a lack of capacity to host such a festering number.

Consequentially the bride traumatises the groom off insisting they haunt the hotels and restaurants in the region yet again, she feeling her hands tied with his ball and chain of logical insistence on places in town, which have experience of wedding affairs and not the romantic castles one would have to oversee the orchestration of all sorts of catering and flowers on the day instead of starting the drinking and eating worry free to the brawl of the accordion and guitars in the moring as the tradition states.

Both exhausted, she having had to melodramatise how she will have to kill her self if they had to have her wedding at that place his parents think is really wonderful and she noticed the seamstress did not even know how to sow the bloody chair covers and resolved to knot the shiny fabric in a poof around the chair,he with a mouth dry from smoking after each viewing and her comments. Resolve its best to have the wedding where it was planned originally.

So here we are yet agian, trying to compose yet another more suitable wedding list.