When we take that problem outside of the kitchen, and translate it onto people around us... How do we, once we magnifiscenltly click with a person- (as we rarely have the chance to)- than proceed to destroy any chance of friendship?
This does occur. To many people. What is it that actually happens? A type of euphoria occurs- as a result of discovering that someone , than ether fear of further discovery being disappointing in comparison to the first impression, or out of anxiety that we are about to begin something quite significant, we behave erratically and inappropriately.
In the last few days I have received an unexpected confession, after many bygone years , from somebody I had found magnetising, that terribly long time ago, when we where first begging to get acquainted, - when the spoken of person disappeared, out of a fear of failure, and differences. Since than I have noticed that I was often observed from the sidelines, always watched from a distance by this person, and after some million time zones had passed, they braved up and admitted to me and the self, that the imagginary fears where not realised, and I received an apology for their being afraid- then.
It is by far too late, for changing the direction of the inertia of space now, yet some old ghosts had finally found their rest, and some elements of the story have been clarified.
I had once friend who lived on a farm, near my village, when I first arrived to live in England. She was fantastic, containing the right balance of the wild, the adventurous and the kind, to add she was pretty and had long brown hair just like I- a fairly good reason for an eleven year old to see the girl as a friend perfectly tailored friend -for me. I mean we rode real sleighs in mid summer,trough dusty forests and woods.
However I commenced high school earlier by one year, and when she had caught up at school ,I was to shy to make an effort in the new surroundings. The whole duration of school I was haunted by random dreams in which I would approach her to contiuee the firendship, but in reality had no courage, as it had always felt too late..Until it really did became too late when I moved away for university, always feeling sorry for not continuing that friendship
Twenty years after we had met, I was living on the island Hvar in Croatia, and one summer afternoon by chance, I bump into her- the girl from the Midlands farm- just after she disembarked the ferry. I recognised her immediately- for she still had the long brown hair, and I was delighted. Seeing destiny had its fingers in this I took up the second chance and we hung out for the duration of her holiday. Despite the fact she still lives on the other side of the continet, and I now live in Dalmatia, I had a moment in which I could experience that long ago felt- super energy and see it realised in the form of friendship.
It is surprising the number of such stories that I have. There is another with one of my best friends- who I shared everything with- mirth and desperation. We pushed each other towards realisation of our own dreams, and than after many years, probably from the over intensity of the friendship- fought bitterly - and separated, making both have suffer as a result- for there is no other with the same sense of humour, ideas of messing around, and being there when needs be.
So how is it I had succeed in doing it again? It is to be expected that I had learnt something in the process of those experiences, and that the light bulbs in my head flash warnings, alert, alert, stop for a moment, doing what ever you are doing,
when you have no idea what you are doing, do you, at all.
From a lack of enthusiasm, people do not discover anything, whilst with too much of it , one may burst at the seams, like a ripe pomegranate, and seeds of numerous ideas burst all over the place without control, endless possibilities are sparked off by that delightful chemical energetic click of personalities, of humours, of intelligence, the very discovery of someone with whom you have endless common interests with, and bubbling ideas,.-.. and than...
Nothing.
It was too
much.
Than dispersal. A complete waste.
There is no friendship at all, not even acquaint ship.
Mutual non existence.
What a disaster it is, when one of those rare specimens of people, with whom you would be ready to start building a spaceship to transport humanity to another galaxy, because combined you could make it happen , dissapers from your life.
Actually something ought to be said at that point. Someone should say something, to show a desire to prevent the erasing of each other form existence. The question is when? Is it too early, or is each new day all the more too late, and all the later still, like it was with the girls from the farm? What is worse in fact, the saying nothing- or speaking? Should one just give up? Maybe time and destiny cures all, as the old ones say. I wonder in that case, why does life happen in episodes? Something happens to you, significantly whams you, and you have no idea what that was, why it happened or how, until half a life time passes by, and you find out the other side of the same story which someone had kept until than, so that from than on you can continue on form- where you are in life, or start over.
Does anyone have the strength to say, I apologise? On time? And what would those words embrace? Would those words, if they where to be spoken , change anything?
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