A foreigner who has been tossed by tempests for days in his vessel be that a sailing boat or the more traditional Zeppelin, would be better off if he were to throw into the waters whatever is weighing and grounding him- cash-gold teeth- and pray to his gods to lift him up and away from Dalmatia rather than set a foot on the dry land.
On the Pakleni Archipelago south of island Hvar absolutely everything stings or bites. In the least dangerous category are the orchestra of peackoks who on seeing your arrival from the tree tops will trumpet an anouncement to the rest of the inhabbitants as to signal that they have vistors. The peackoks acordibg to mood drop big white coconut size poo on anyone passing beneath their tree. On the islands one will also encounter prowling turkey-fish, spiders, mosquitoes with machine guns, satan-spawn-cactuses. Not to mention sharp rocks, sharp dogs, sharp urchins, sharp tongues, sharp women, snakes, and you will not be by-passed by a red boxing fly which flies in circles smacking its head and all of her 18 blue eyes splattering them repeatedly into whoever enters her territory.
In Dalmatia no small or large beast knows fear nor trepidation, they attack with all that nature has bestowed upon them and a whole lot of caprice.
The least dangerous to be found amongst the specimens of Flora and Fauna are the Carob and the tourist nudist. The Carob is the local version of a banana, shaped like a banana, but unlike one it is dry, deflated, brown and looks like a horn. On the Pakleni island archipelago lives a witch who uses alchemical processes to extract the aphrodisiac properties form the Carob pod, forms it into frappantly delicious cakes and aphrodisiac alcohols..
Tourist nudist on the other hand , is tasteless and belongs to the family of slimy creepy crawlies who when it reaches the age of maturity and is not attractive to the opposite of sex, devours the Carob cake and downs Carob Rakija after which they slug along the beaches horny frightening children with their naked buttocks and hanging genitalia.
The male of the freckleled species of tourist which always wears glasses- for which they consider them-self’s cultured, contrary to good culture have a custom to wade about town with their naked torso’s – without being ashamed of the fact that their muscles are as developed as the Albanian industry. The Church wishing to keep the nuns fateful (only to the alpha males of the local electrician/plumber gene group) has started to draw signs in international hieroglyphs, baning entry to such men with or without ice cream in hand (behind which they usually try to hide).
The tourist nudist, who feeds upon prawns made of pork known to the locals as Chevapi and fish made of chicken, displays the same behaviour pattern as the pink salmon, who after its exhibitionist parade in the south, with the arrival of colder weather always retreats back to its original northern breeding ground.
Another beast to be seen on these lands and too easily dismissed and as a hallucination is the red-wooled ram with enormous curly horns. The male sheep has been described in much traditional literature as satan after which most likely the Pakleni islands (meaning Hell’s ilands) are named. This ram peeps out during the sea mists and tempests from the smallest of the Pakelni islands, located right in front of the marina entrance where people rush to hide from the bad weather, and which has not-surprisingly been the spot of many a shipwreck. The best assures the people stay on his archipelago once they dare pass by.
On that note, I say beware all future shipwrecked, travellers, sailors and serious people who do not consider themself’s tourists, as the Gods living on these lands are said to look after only the mad and the drunk, which will remain the only people to pass trough and survive without a scratch. .
No comments:
Post a Comment